Today’s Tales: Time for the beauty parade as City need eleven

Today’s mad ramblings will take the form of an Erling Haaland-shaped beauty parade and head all over the Premier League looking to find someone to love me.

Will it be Manchester City? Not according to Peppy G, the champions-elect don’t have two pound coins to rub together this summer.

Will it be Manchester United? Ole Gunnar Solskjaer might have the striker in a private WhatsApp chat, but you can’t really see Raiola wanting two of his clients underachieving at Old Trafford.

What about Chelsea? They seem keener on bring Sergio Aguero to Stamford Bridge on a free than putting £250m big ones on the table – plus, they’re hardly guaranteed Champions League football yet, are they?

One thing is for sure, Erling will be the talk of the summer, the proverbial football prom queen.

Those early Saturday kickoffs post international football are always dull affairs, right? 

Chelsea’s Thiago Silva has achieved most things in football other than a decent performance against West Bromwich Albion. The Brazilian had a shocker on debut in the reverse fixture and didn’t fancy a full 90 on his return from injury in this one.

As much as I am a fan of a smaller side sticking one in the pipe of the big boys, if it means a return of Smug Sham, then I am dead against it. Allardyce was in his absolute post-match element, predicting that ‘we won’t be last’ on Match of the Day and praising his players for following ‘his tactical plan’ to the letter. 

Tommy Tuchel’s side had not conceded a goal in about 700 minutes at Stamford Bridge, long enough for him to learn that playing Marcos Alonso in a back four is a recipe for disaster. 

Big Sam does get a lot of stick for his style of football but West Brom’s 4th (yes, that’s their 4th) was possibly the goal of the weekend.

So, Mikel Arteta is left taking the blame once again. Arsenal were blown away by Liverpool in the second half in what was probably Granit Xhaka’s finest game for Arsenal – because he wasn’t playing and was actually missed.

Liverpool and England’s 5th choice right-back Trent Alexander Arnold seemed quite pumped for the game, creating Diogo Jota’s opening goal with a superb cross. However, the cross was nothing compared to Stuart Attwell’s haircut or Alisson’s tache – both of which would have been a talking point individually had they not turned up in the same game.

Liverpool’s defence looked secure, begging the question of what they could have achieved had King Klopp just picked central defenders no matter how far down the pecking order they were earlier in the season. Mind you, they’ll have enough next season with a £40m deal for Leipzig’s Konate being sorted. Arsenal were just ‘mentally weak’ according to Ian Wright – but at least Martin Odegaard ended the weekend with a cup winner’s medal in his locker.

Manchester City can sleepwalk to the title from here, needing just eleven points to lift the Premier League title. Sergio Aguero’s long goodbye got underway against Leicester, though his biggest contribution was getting in the line of Fernandinho’s wonder strike. Instead, it was Gabby Jesus who scored at Easter once more (insert your own gag here, folks – everyone else has).

Manchester United were keen to get life back to normal after a week where they felt the need to confirm they wouldn’t be signing Aguero. So, Paul Pogba finally went to collect his Rolls Royce from the pound and United went behind in a Premier League match.

We haven’t had the curse of the returning man for some time now, so it was nice to see Danny Welbeck notch against his former employers, following up after a top save by United’s number one (for the day) Dean Henderson. Mind you, with rumours that Solskjaer will pay David de Gea to leave this summer, Hendo might actually be number one next season.

Naturally, the weekend after this ‘football writer’ moved Mason Greenwood out of his fantasy draft team having seen patience run out, he scored the winning goal.

Spurs travelled to St James’ Park with both managers top of the wrong table – the ‘next manager to get the bullet’ table popular with many a bookie. When Joelinton scored only his second goal in what feels like a lifetime to Newcastle fans, Tottenham fans would have feared the worst.

Harry Kane managed to score two in three touches, but Steve Bruce’s team were never put to bed – like many an opposition to Mourinho’s side this season. Not Jose’s fault though, you understand. Spurs have now dropped 15 points from winning positions, the 3rd highest in the Premier League this season – but it’s all down to the players, OK? Joe Willock, he on loan from Arsenal, took great pleasure in netting a late leveller – a goal that slows Mou’s Champions League push once again but can be considered quite a lifeline to Mike Ashley’s club. Brucey might even get a new contract this week as a result.

One manager almost certainly not getting a new contract is Uncle Roy Hodgson at Crystal Palace. It is believed that the grandfather of Premier League management will be let go at the end of the season with Palace drawing up a shortlist of managers to take the club forward – Frank Lampard, Sean Dyche and Swansea’s Steve Cooper. One out of three feels realistic on that list, but if Steve Parrish is looking in the Championship for his next gaffer then he wants to be taking a look at a former player now doing great things in the land of the Tykes – Valerien Ismael at Barnsley.

For an oh-so-brief moment, it looked like Scotty Parker’s Fulham side could enjoy some late chocolate egg action outside the Premier League relegation zone. Unfortunately, there were only eggs for the winners and that was Aston Villa – Trezeguet off the bench to get a brace and Ollie Watkins scoring late to remind Gareth Southgate not to forget about him before the Euros squad is picked.

Leeds United won’t have too many easy days like this weekend, seeing off Sheffield United 2-1 thanks to Phil Jagielka toe-poking the winner past Aaron Ramsdale – a goalkeeper who must be sick of late, important goals flying past him after England U21s crashed out of the European Championships last week.

I am sure not many of us had Southampton’s clash with Burnley down as a five-goal thriller and when Burnley led 2-0 early on, even fewer would have thought Southampton had the stomach for a comeback. Well, we were all wrong – Theo Walcott might have even nailed his most intelligent assist ever too.