The star of ITVâ€™s new animated show WARREN UNITED introduces the world of Warren Kingsley, the archetypal football fan who loves his family first and follows his team through thick and thin.
Hello folks. My nameâ€™s Warren Kingsley and thanks to ITV4 Iâ€™m going to be on the telly from April 22 for six episodes chronicling my life as family man and long-suffering football fan.
Iâ€™ve supported the mighty Brainsford United for all my 37.5 years. We are, of course, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen â€“ apart from when we arenâ€™t. Itâ€™s true we did win the Co-operative Tarpaulins Trophy in 1971-72, which was the greatest day of my life. Brainsford are nicknamed the Meringues, and as the title of my favourite fanzine says, Born a Meringue, Die a Meringue. Iâ€™m Brainsford till I die, which might be soon if we keep missing crucial penalties in relegation six-pointers.
Like all footy fans I live for the weekend and Monday to Wednesday nights on TV and Thursdays, but mainly Saturdays at 3pm or 12.30pm and most of Sunday but the rest of the time I am totally focused on my job selling fitted kitchens at Kitchen Madness.
My new series will show you all the characters involved in our great club, the Brainsford manager Fat Baz who might or might not like a drink and a backhander, star players like Alphonse Marmalade and the clubâ€™s Egyptian benefactors the Luxor Brothers, who are thinking of renaming us Brainsford Meringues. And crucial to the match day experience is Burger Al, who serves the best salmonella pineapple burger on the Brainsford Road.
The other big love of my life is my family and youâ€™ll meet them in Warren United too. I met my lovely wife Ingrid during an away trip to PSV Eindhoven in Brainsfordâ€™s only ever season in the Uefa Cup. Had a few beers and fell asleep in her garden. She found me lying there and I thought Iâ€™d gone to heaven. Thereâ€™s my seven-year-old son Harrison, a good lad and always a Meringue, although when he brings his friend Gavin over he does ask that I donâ€™t talk about football for two hours and start to cry.
My daughter Charlie is going through those difficult teenage years when her favourite colour is black, which as Iâ€™ve explained to her is no use for anything except refereesâ€™ kits and dodgy Man United away shirts. We live with my mum who claims she wasted 40 years of her life watching Brainsford and wants to spend the next 40 years with a winner â€“ her lover Reggie. What goes on in her granny flat is frankly embarrassing. Oh, and then thereâ€™s my workmate Dillip whoâ€™s a lovely fella, but a bit of a part-timer when it comes to footy and of course the talking police horses Trevor and Michael.
My life has been documented by Simon Nye, who wrote Men Behaving Badly, Dominic Holland and David Quantick, aided by Steve Coogan’s producer, some bloke called Henry Normal at Baby Cow Productions.You too can thrill to the moment when an own goal in the sixth minute of stoppage time secured survival for Brainsford on the last day of the season in what had to be the greatest game ever. The wilderness years are over â€“ possibly. As we Meringues say, you lose some, you draw some.
Tune in to ITV4 at 10.00pm on 22 April. Warren United has a star cast which includes Johnny Vegas, Darren Boyd, Nitin Ganatra, Morgana Robinson and Morwenna Banks.