The greatest football song you never heard

BY DAVID MARPLES

July 1st 2014 was a very sad day. The band responsible for the greatest football song ever packed away their guitars and called it a day. On this day, Ace Bushy Striptease ceased to exist.

Hailing from Birmingham, this five piece DIY pop-punk group’s manifesto was ‘Short songs avoiding repetition. Girls crying into microphones.’ Any lover of shambling indie-pop would be smitten based on such a simple proclamation. Of course, niches aren’t for everyone – I guess that’s why they’re called thus – but when the various members of Ace Bushy Striptease played this belter for the first time, it’s easy to imagine that the occasion was marked by wide smiles, eyes agog with joy at the creation of not only a nigh on perfect pop song but better yet, a perfect football pop song – More Parts Per Milijas.

The fact that the inspiration for such a ditty is the Serbian midfielder Nenad Milijas makes the situation all the more glorious. The love for the Serb and all things Wolves stems from drummer-cum-singer Jeremy Sheppard who acknowledges from the first line how dangerously trite the conceit of the song is:

“I know it’s a bore

A metaphor with an international footballer”

But from here on, he doesn’t care since upon establishing the metaphor, he’s sure as heck going to extend it. . OK, he may not be the best boyfriend, in fact he may be a very average boyfriend and even very average looking. In fact he acknowledges his own inadequacies, culminating in a haymaker of a comparison to the hardest working but most unglamorous footballer this side of James Milner:

“I might lack the work ethic of Dirk Kuyt but at least I haven’t fucking sold out

And I hear he’s doing pretty shit this year”

We’re all a bit rubbish sometimes. But like everyone else, deeply buried within all of us, he is capable of moments of beauty and sheer joy.

It’s a simple enough conceit but one which captures those deep dark moments of despair that all football fans experience. The ones that gnaw away at your soul, usually punctuated with long hard stares in the mirror, questioning whether it’s all worth it, especially after seeing your team get destroyed on a miserable evening at “Palace away”. But it is worth it and the reason why this is so is for those occasional and all too infrequent moments of unadulterated glory and release:

“But every now and then I could ripple your net”

It speaks to the everyman. As Lady Macbeth ponders aloud in considering her husband’s potential – “Thou wouldst be great/art not without ambition” – we are reminded that the sublime lies within us all, or at least, we believe this to be the case. We’ve all replayed our own finest moments in our heads a million times, no matter that it was only a 5-a-side game played after work – in fact, such a fact only adds to the pathos.

In the blink of a blog post, Ace Bushy Striptease retired. Just six months later, Milijas himself left his beloved Red Star Belgrade to sign for Hebei China Fortune. Their fates seem eternally intertwined. But the legacy left by each burns bright, thus proving that longevity is all well and good but quality is to be cherished and hugged tightly.

The game is resolutely about glory and this song recognizes such ephemeral moments.

I know it’s a bore

A metaphor with an international footballer

But if you gave me a chance

I’d score a thirty yard screamer

And I know sometimes I play like Palace away

But with the right first touch I could make your day

Sometimes I’m dreaming of Red Star

Sometimes I’m dreaming of Belgrade but I hear they’re pretty cold this time of year

Sometimes when stuck in suburbia

It leaves me dreaming of Serbia

But I hear it’s pretty cold this time of year

I know I’m flawed

Full of mistimed tackles and dreadful cross-field balls

But every now and then I could ripple your net

And I know three million seemed a lot at the time but it’s just a fraction of that twat from the Tyne

I know I don’t look like a superstar

No Torres, Owen or Cantona

but I hear they’re doing pretty shit this year

I might lack the work ethic of Dirk Kuyt but at least I haven’t fucking sold out

And I hear he’s doing pretty shit this year

I hope you know what I’m trying to say is

While I know there are better players than me

They can’t set you free

They’ll always sing the songs of the strikers

But don’t forget the Serbian midfielder

Don’t forget me

There’s more parts per Milijas

There’s more parts per me

The video is gloriously ramshackle, featuring action shots of Dirk Kuyt, Serbian TV footage of Milijas, ten pin bowling, a Belle and Sebastian t-shirt, rubbish drawings of footballers. The song features a handclapped outro and numerous shouty bits. There’s nothing to dislike here:

YOU CAN FOLLOW DAVID ON TWITTER @DavidMarples AND CHECK OUT THE FOREST-BASED WEBSITE HE GRACES, “IN THE TOP ONE” http://www.inthetopone.com/